i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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