I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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