totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
