Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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