Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
