my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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