The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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