Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
