I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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