video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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