he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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