i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
should my penis look like a turkey
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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