i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
is that a dick in a sweater?
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