You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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