I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
