Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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