Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just puked most of my soul out..
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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