There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
