worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
