I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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