I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
