What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
