I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
