I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
