I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
