Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
