so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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