I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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