foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
