you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
