Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
