Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
