its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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