just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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