Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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