around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
