my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
