Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
