hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Randomize
