Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
two words...techno handjob
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
