she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
