i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
