dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
