ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
