She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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