a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
