did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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