I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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