apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
