i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
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