Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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