I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Drunk is not a location!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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