If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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