Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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