Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
