Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You are the jesus of drinking
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
