Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
