he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Couch. On fire.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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