6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
