at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
