I never want to see another naked old woman again.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
