So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
